The Naked Green

God helps those who turn to Him with a broken heart as I found out yet again on Friday night. A lot of my failures all came together and woke me up with a clear picture of my need for Jesus Christ in my life and the lack of love in my heart.

I went for a drive to nowhere in particular and poured out my pain to the Almighty Father. He heard and gave me a wonderful peace. I ended up in an old chapel on the campus of a local college, where the meeting had just ended. I was left in peace as I sat in one of the back rows and prayed earnestly. When I was alone, I went up to the front and kneeled down to humble myself before God in worship as I continued to pray. Just before the security guard locked the last door, I believe God showed me something. He wants me to trust in His Son, Jesus for discipleship as well as seeking someone out to disciple me. That’s what I care about: Being a disciple of Jesus and making disciples.

I have a long road ahead, but I praise God that He cares for me! I hope to be the godly man Jesus has called me to be, to be subject to Him and those He has placed over me and
to be a servant-leader to Jamie as well as those God places in my life as disciples.

Update 2004.12.13: Chris at Our Greenroom wrote a good article today: Christian or Disciple? It’s good to know that others are pondering this as I think it is essential that we focus on this more in our churches and in missions. I’ll be pondering this some more even as I strive to be a disciple of Christ.

This is a quote of a quote from Jim’s Blog:

Some without fulfilling the commandments think that they possess true faith. Others fulfill the commandments and then expect the kingdom as a reward due to them, Both are mistaken, A master is under no obligation to reward his slaves; on the other hand, those who do not serve him well are not given their freedom.
St. Mark the Ascetic, “On Those who Think that They are Made Righteous by Works: Two Hundred and Twenty-Six Texts” 18-19 in the Philokalia, Vol. 1, p. 126. 146

Thanks to jburnett.com for the complete text.

Edit 2004.12.01: I agree with this statement and think it is well put and to the point. I may read more of this Mark the Aescetic’s works (linked above) when I have time.

I want to be “near to God” and am beginning to develop quite a passion for it as I experience depression, confusion and unfulfillment. I have run across some good quotes on the web that have touched my heart:

Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.

- James 4.8a (WEB)

From Chilly’s Blog:

“I want deliberately to encourage this mighty longing after God. The lack of it has brought us to our present low estate. The stiff and wooden quality about our religious lives is a result of our lack of holy desire. Complacency is a deadly foe of all spiritual growth. Acute desire must be present or there will be no manifestation of Christ to His people. He waits to be wanted. Too bad that with many of us He waits so long, so very long, in vain.”
– C.S. Lewis –

From Jim’s Blog:

Abba Muthues said: ‘In proportion as a man draws near to God, it is proper that he should regard himself as a sinner, for the Prophet Isaiah, who saw the Lord, calls himself wretched and unclean.’
~Athanasius of Alexandria, Palladius, Jerome, et al., Paradise of the Fathers, B#21, Vol. II, #552, P. 124

Father, I desire to be close to you and I am drawing near to you today.

I don’t have any orders to work on yet, so I’ve been doing a lot of reading on The Ooze. It is partially due to this and a “waking up” that’s happening aided by my distaste for apathy that I’m feeling the way I am. I have an obvious lack of direction after going to DTS which has led me to reiterate my goal: relationship with Jesus Christ.

There is a lot welling up inside of me, I can feel it. I don’t know what it is exactly. There are lots of ideas going through my head, but also muddled “what do I call thems”. There is this feeling (or feelings)…like something is about to happen, or needs to happen. Oh, that’s not quite right! how I wish I could understand or express my emotions sometimes.

God is certainly doing something in my life and I praise Him for it. He is drawing me to Himself even as I seek Him out and my desire to be with Him grows. It’s amazing to me how God’s Spirit is at work within us. Father, make me more like your Son, Jesus!

This post is one of those that doesn’t seem like it will make it. The fact that no one is reading this blog still doesn’t help me post something that seems so silly. The post lacks substance and I realize that, but I guess it does give the reader a glimpse of the emotional confusion that I regularly experience.

Thanks to Clint who posted this from Spurgeon’s Morning Devotional:

“I will pour water upon him that is thirsty.”
Isaiah 44:3

When a believer has fallen into a low, sad state of feeling, he often tries to lift himself out of it by chastening himself with dark and doleful fears. Such is not the way to rise from the dust, but to continue in it. As well chain the eagle’s wing to make it mount, as doubt in order to increase our grace. It is not the law, but the gospel which saves the seeking soul at first; and it is not a legal bondage, but gospel liberty which can restore the fainting believer afterwards. Slavish fear brings not back the backslider to God, but the sweet wooings of love allure him to Jesus’ bosom. Are you this morning thirsting for the living God, and unhappy because you cannot find him to the delight of your heart? Have you lost the joy of religion, and is this your prayer, “Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation”? Are you conscious also that you are barren, like the dry ground; that you are not bringing forth the fruit unto God which he has a right to expect of you; that you are not so useful in the Church, or in the world, as your heart desires to be? Then here is exactly the promise which you need, “I will pour water upon him that is thirsty.” You shall receive the grace you so much require, and you shall have it to the utmost reach of your needs. Water refreshes the thirsty: you shall be refreshed; your desires shall be gratified. Water quickens sleeping vegetable life: your life shall be quickened by fresh grace. Water swells the buds and makes the fruits ripen; you shall have fructifying grace: you shall be made fruitful in the ways of God. Whatever good quality there is in divine grace, you shall enjoy it to the full. All the riches of divine grace you shall receive in plenty; you shall be as it were drenched with it: and as sometimes the meadows become flooded by the bursting rivers, and the fields are turned into pools, so shall you be-the thirsty land shall be springs of water.

This is exactly how I have been feeling lately and just this morning as I prayed before breakfast, I cried out to God that I was hungry for Him just as I was feeling the physical hunger pangs. So often in the last months have I sung the Psalm:

I’m tired of trying to find what he want me to DO with my life. This is important, but only as an extension of a relationship with Jesus Christ. I feel like I don’t know Him at all to even know if it’s Him speaking to me or not. I truly am thirsty for a real relationship with Christ…for a fruitful walk as a disciple of His.

Thank you for the encouragement Clint, I really needed it today!

Obviously the computer is important to me. All my posts up to this point have been about it in some way or another. I spend a lot of my time working and playing on the computer and the only way I can bring myself to journal anything is on this blog…on the computer. I have spent the last several days trying to rebuild my operating system (yes, I know). It has been frustrated to re-install things and deal with several problems and re-configure things that should be able to work from backups. I have thought about my priorities partially because of these issues, at least my priorities with this blog.

Jesus Christ is the most important person in my life…my God! He is a wonderful person who loves me more than anyone else and has given so much. He released me from bondage to drugs and alcohol and forgave my sins even after I chose to walk away from Him…the eternal creator! I thank God that I was chosen to be His child and I hope to grow closer with Him with each passing day. You too can have this wonderful loving relationship with your creator!

Jamie is the next most important person to me because she’s my best friend who is always there for me and loves me even knowing my dark secrets. She is my wife and lover, closer to me and more intimate with me than any other. We share all with each other: Love, faith, emotions, work, money, car, food, etc. I love her so much and look forward to spending the rest of our lives together! You can read more about our relationship at our website.

It’s hard for me to share my deep emotions, convictions and thoughts. It takes a lot of work and is hard to do on an impersonal machine. It’s also difficult to write because it always seems like the words are not coming out right. I want to try to get this stuff out, though…for my growth and benefit.

I like the computer and a lot of my interests have to do with it so I’m sure you’ll see many more posts about it. I will also be trying to share with you many other ideas and feelings about those things that are even closer to my heart.