I’ve been seeking God’s direction in my life for a while now. I just don’t seem to hear what He’s saying. I realized before that He wasn’t being quite, but I just didn’t have the ears to hear, so to speak. I’ve come to a different conclusion recently, that it isn’t about not hearing His voice, but not recognizing it.
Our small group has been going through a video series by John Bevere called, Drawing Near. One thing that hit me was what he said about God wanting us to learn to discern His voice. God wants intimacy with us and real communication. He can certainly let me know something even if I’m outright trying to ignore Him, but perhaps He wants to be a bit more subtle…to draw me to Himself. That helped me a lot allowing me to seek after relationship with Jesus in the ways I know how, speaking to Him and listening…though I still don’t feel I hear clearly.
There are two sorts of beliefs and I can’t quite separate them nor find their roots. One is more about choosing your path by the grace of God, according to your understanding of His will. The second is listening for God’s direction and obeying. As I said, these are very much intertwined, but it seems that a Christian comes from one side or another in making decisions. The problem for me is I seem to be stuck in the middle…or on both sides, actually. Perhaps I’m making more of it than it needs to be.
I believe that we can’t sit around waiting for God to speak. Love and obedience means action and we must be that moving car (in a worn out analogy) for God to steer us. I also believe that God speaks directly to His children through the Holy Spirit, The Bible, others, etc. This may not even be a problem, but it causes me much confusion. I don’t think or feel that I know Him well enough.
I want to have an intimate relationship with my heavenly Father, Creator God. That is my ultimate goal. I want to converse with God and really know Him. I also want to live my life in a Christ-like manner, showing my love through obedience…through action. Not starting some time when I’ve reached some mythical spiritual plateau, but now. So I struggle to make choices, to live with integrity as a follower of Jesus Christ and to truly know Him in a personal way that is beyond the actions of “doing the right thing”.
I thank God that He is with me every step of the way. I know He is honoring His promise “that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him”*. I have begun to actually experience and feel small bubbles of happiness at strange times (could it be joy?). When I do make prayerful decisions, it seems to quickly become evident that it is indeed God’s will. I struggle and falter so much, but the LORD remains faithful and true.
I guess sometimes I want to lose that pain in my stomach, but losing the hunger means there is no need for the bread. So I will embrace the hunger, because I realize an inherent need. I will continue to look to God to provide His “bread of life”, Jesus Christ. Working hard, I will eat so I can have fellowship with Him.
*Hebrews 11.6 [WEB]